Today marks twenty weeks since I began to lose weight and it was the first weigh in over this time period that I have gained. It may have only been a two pound gain but it proves I can not afford to become complacent.
Having given up chocolates and diet fizzy drinks for five months I went a bit crazy for Christmas and Boxing Day. My wife was understandably concerned by the sudden change in my eating routine but she has supported unconditionally throughout this journey and I know her concern came from a place of love.
Jennie, bless her heart, has been my rock as I try to get in shape.
It has been a trying week as I have not been in a great place mentally. December is an emotional month as my father passed away in 1994 and mother in 2003. Mum tried her best to make Christmas special for her five children and I still marvel at how well she did for us all on such a limited budget.
Several days before Christmas I booked a double appointment to see our new doctor. In recent years the larger I became the less I would go out of the house. I could not abide sitting in a crowded waiting room and it was getting to the stage where I was in danger of not being able to get all the medication I needed unless I put an appearance in at the doctors’ surgery.
Fortunately, I was able to tuck myself away in a corner of the waiting area until it was my turn to be seen. I had not been in with the doctor five minutes before the tears began to flow. All the years of not getting the appropriate help for my physical and mental health conditions came tumbling out as I cried into my hands. Goodness knows what the new lady doctor must have thought of me but after she read through the four-page letter written out by my wife, she could begin to get a glimpse of what I had been through. She was incredulous that I had suffered a silent heart attack yet there had been no follow up with a cardiologist. How despite all my previous visits to the surgery over the years for help with how heavy I was becoming the doctor had not thought to test my thyroid levels. It took a locum doctor to spot this and prescribe the appropriate medicine.
I explained to the doctor that I had started self-harming again and you could see she was a little shocked at the cut marks on my back. How I could not stop putting my hands in a bowl of scalding hot water because I just wanted the memories of the abuse I suffered at senior school to stop. Finally, the doctor asked if it was necessary for me to be admitted for a few weeks in a psychiatric hospital while they attempt to uncover the reasons for my self-loathing and inability to stop having mini breakdowns. However, as I am not a danger to myself or anyone else she explained it could only be on a voluntary basis. There was no way I was going to put my family through this and I promised to make another appointment at the end of January. Will I be able to – who knows?
As 2017 draws to a close, I am starting to look forward to what 2018 brings. By this time next year, I want to lose at least 201 pounds, bringing me down from a starting weight of 34 stone 4 pounds to under 20 stone. It will not be easy but this is my target for Christmas Day 2018.
I have also made enquiries to get suitable therapy for the emotional and physical abuse I was subjected to from two school teachers which started when I was 11 years of age and continued almost up to the age of 15. I believe one of the abusers is long since dead but I am hoping his accomplice can be tracked down by the police.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!