Having ended 2017 with my first gain I was a little down in the dumps. It may only have been a two pound gain and of course, it did cover the Christmas holiday period but it still felt a bad way to sign off the year. I had several days of binging over the festivities and it was always in the back of my mind that the old demons were returning with force. However, I entered the new year in a positive frame of mind which despite a very trying week I managed to maintain up to the weigh-in this morning. The scales showed a four-pound loss, I have put last week’s gain behind me and I now closing in on the magical 100-pound weight loss which I am hoping to achieve next Sunday.
It has been a hard week to get back on track because after my mini breakdown in the doctor’s surgery two weeks ago I have started to face up to some very painful childhood memories. My secondary school years between 1971-76 were far from happy. I was the victim of a brutal school regime that seems positively Victorian in its attitude to punishment compared to my own children’s experiences. I have carried the emotional scars from this traumatic time in my life around for too long and despite various forms of talking therapies; I was unable or maybe unwilling to share these experiences with the therapists. The therapists were usually male and as my former school was an all-male environment, I could not build up a trust relationship with them. Instead, they seemed to focus on issues such as my OCD, depression or binge eating. It never occurred to them to try to delve just a little deeper to find what deep-lying trauma made me take on these unhealthy coping mechanisms. Obviously, my own lack of candour played a major part in this therapy being unsuccessful too.
This time after only spending a short while speaking to her, I honestly believe I have found the right therapist. She left me in no doubt that working on these damaging experiences will be a long and painful process but the alternative is I will continue to blame and harm myself for events that were out of my control. I begin therapy on Wednesday and while I cannot say I am looking forward to doing so; I do recognise it is a necessity.
I owe it not only to my inner child but to my wife and children too. I want to move on with my life and become the best person I can. Not a bad thought to start a new year. Happy 2018.